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Thursday, March 5th, 2009
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10:08 am - Parus Major
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Our group has some pretty strong research links with the biology department, in particular the ornithology group. No wait this will actually end up being a funny anecdote, stay with me. Anyway we've pursued various projects on trying to work out how pigeons navigate, tracking migratory birds across the globe and detecting patterns in the dives of penguins. Basically the biology guys take care of all the messy field work and then handball onto us neat little packets of data which we can hit up with our algorithms from the comfort of our extremely expensive office chairs. We are now starting up a new project on the genealogy of a large community of Parus Major, or to use its more common name, the Great Tit. One of the aims of the project is to use several generations' worth of tracking to see how various factors influence reproductive success. More particularly, the ornithologists are interested in whether the birds have become more or less bold or aggressive as a consequence of greater human interference in their habitat. As such they are working on a paper titled `Great Tits and Personality,' which I personally think is hilarious.
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| Wednesday, January 21st, 2009
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9:36 am - Music List
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| Sunday, March 9th, 2008
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5:13 pm - No Sex and Body Hair, correlations and commonality therein
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I thought you might like to get an update on my sex life. OK so there still really isn't one. But it turns out this is actually a noble sacrifice I am making for the sake of ladies. The problem is that I am so virile that any lady I have sex with will watch in reveries of pleasure as her womb actually instantly explodes forth with innumerable offspring. I can not in good faith be responsible for the causing of a lady's womb to explode. Unfortunately, neither are contraceptives a solution. Because my sperm is so powerful that they can punch their way through most commercially available devices using their commando-style moves. Double bagging is also problematic due to my sperm's intense cunning. They will find a way. And who can fault their dedication and motivation given the awesome genes they are attempting to convey to ladies worldwide. For international conveyance they might use FedEx. I admire my sperm. Sorry dudes.
Soon, of course, it will finally become Spring. Then I will finally get some action due to the fact I will be more able to take my shirt off in public and blow ladies' collective minds. With my scrawny, pale and unevenly haired torso. Is it sexy that you can see my ribs? "Hey, sexy ribs," is something a lady might say. "Let me play them like a xylophone" (?). Also it doesn;t really seem fair that I have chest hair now and no-one has even congratulated me. Also for a long time I was pretty down on my facial hair. Describing them in the collective like this should perhaps be replaced by the plural 'facial hairs' in order to indicate that I have at least several such hairs. My beard is not like other people's, my facial hair needs a lot of personal space. My facial hairs have individual personalities. Other people's beards are like the communist army, my beard is like the A-team.
You will note that the previous two paragraphs each subtly presented a slightly different contention as to why I am consistently not getting sheilas. It has to be said that most of my statements regarding my sperm are largely conjecture. It has not yet been proven that I am capable of exploding a woman's womb. In repeatable experiments under laboratory conditions. Um here is a pick-up line that my Belgian housemate Dominique (this is his name even though he is not a woman) says you can use in Dutch: 'Let me launch you into space on my meat-rocket'.
Maybe I could get beard implants?
current music: The Orb: The Dream - not actually that good
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